not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
