dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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