I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
