no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
