I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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