I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
