Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
