i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
honey bunches of taint.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
