Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
