I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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