Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
