your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
