im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
