I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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