my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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