Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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