The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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