I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
