I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
