It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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