we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
