I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
