I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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