i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
