Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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