Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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