I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
