that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
