don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
