Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
