Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
