matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
love makes seman taste better
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
