im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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