Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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