I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
