Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
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I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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