just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
