I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
50% drunk capacity currently
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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