Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
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Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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