It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
