Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
