OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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