And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
