the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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