your parents love me but you hate me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
