I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
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You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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