sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
