i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
