all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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