I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
