I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
