Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I faked an abortion last night.
I smell stomach acid.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
