....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
