Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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