She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
